It's not just economic destruction we're dealing with.

I would not call myself a "pinterest" mom, not even with stretching the truth. My walls are mostly bare, my kids sleep in whatever pajamas they find, they spend a LOT of time outside, we eat otter pops, and they watch gobs of tv.
See, I've struggled with depression my whole life. Not really something I realized until I was married, and then it kicked it up. I love the people I've created, so much. I ALSO struggle with making real connections with people; meaningful, loving, happy relationships don't really exist in my life. So in order to remain a somewhat "normal" functioning parent in our society I've relied pretty heavily on getting out of my house and experiencing life with my kids. It's not just about what they like; we go places that the majority of us would enjoy. Trampoline parks, museums, zoos, aqariums, the pool, trails, parks, we'd even just go meander the store (SEA the store: see every aisle).
I am SO grateful our family hasn't taken a big hit financially (yet). By no means are we "rich", but we can afford the things we need. However, we are taking a huge hit emotionally, mentally. I don't know that we'll ever really recover from this. This will be one of those times my kids look back on and say "yeah, life took a dark turn there".  We get out and walk/hike on the days we can, when the weather cooperates and I'm not being consumed by my own inner monsters. We walk around the cemetery, the schools, the local trails. It's not rejuvinating, it is crowded. I feel like my personal trials are noticable by everyone we pass. I'm really trying, I promise. I hope my kids will forgive me when they grow up.

I'm worn out, and almost broken, but still here.

We had to leave church and come home early. Last week they stayed fairly quiet so we could wrangle them through it. Today, was a whole different story. Within 35 seconds of sitting down both toddlers were rolling on the floor and about 3 pews away already. It didn't improve. My husband decided the best way he could help was by holding the baby, who giggled and smiled the whole time. 

When i finally got everyone out of their church clothes, the whining ensued. The baby spit up. I want my binky I want my blankie, a choir of demands from the 2 and 3 year olds. My husband quickly said he had a paper to fill out and he'd be right back, disappearing into the garage for 45 minutes. Thanks babe. Change 2 diapers. Turn on the light in the bathroom for the toddler. Then go in and wipe up the floor and toilet with a Clorox wipe. I warmed up a chicken patty after asking the toddlers if they wanted lunch, to which their reply can only be described as pure disgust. Fine. I ate by the baby on the floor, whose smile never ends. Immediately I was bombarded with "give me lunch"'s and "I need dinnnnnner"'s. I kissed my sweet baby and tossed a chicken patty in for the gremlins. 90 seconds. Pick up 3 diapers, toss the spit up clothes in the hamper, sit down with the baby. I have a minute left to snuggle all the love and joy out of him. I soak it in, while the toddlers run around like maniacs screaming. I'm certain one of these days our upstairs neighbors will call CPS. Then the bell dings on the microwave and the tots train their eyes on my soul. "It's ready, go get it mom". Two more kisses on his soft head and I put him back down. Make lunch. As I opened the fridge for condiments I see strawberries and cucumbers. Guilt that they should have a balanced meal hits me and I take them out to prep. The two year old hasn't left my side and holds out her hands eagerly for a strawberry. Sigh. Here. Don't tell your brother. 

Lunch is on the table, the tots are quiet now, the baby is kicking and squealing, and I sit for a minute on the couch. I'm tired. 

As the hunger begins to melt away the toddlers get restless at the table and begin to irritate each other. Please stop hitting. You don't need to cry. More screaming. My husband comes in, sits next to me, and says "what happens if you don't like your life? Like, what do you do?" I just look at him.

"Fanks for lunch mom" the 3 year old says. The baby laughs at me. The two year old gives me a hug. I cry a little, because there's a lot to not like, and sometimes you get so emptied you think you might break, but then they give you a drop of love and somehow, it fills you all the way back up. 

Christmas traditions

I've struggled big time with Christmas traditions. Our time as children was split between mom and dad, and understandably, neither one had too much time with us to establish solid consistent traditions. My mom absolutely hated Santa Claus. I do remember listening to the nutcracker suite and running around like crazy children. Now as a mom I realize my mom allowed this just to tire us out. Good one mom. We also always got a nutcracker every year. I don't know if my mom had any reason behind this, it has been a sweet memory.
My husband grew up believing in Santa. His mom went all out for Christmas and he remembers this season as particularly magical. We really are coming from completely opposite experiences in this aspect. He had every bell and every whistle, and we kept it as simple as it could be.
So now we have our own kids. And I think I've started to come up with some good traditions! I have wanted to give my children some magic as well as keeping the message of the season simple. This is a season of giving! Christmas is here because of Christ. I understand Christmas to be Christ-mas: more Christ. More love, more kindest, more giving, more forgiveness. How do we keep this message clear and bright while we're bombarded by all the "getting".
So we will teach our kids about Santa. And always that he is an apostle of Christ; he gives of himself and spreads joy. I want them to pick a few of their own toys to leave out for Santa to take to other kids around the world.  Milk and cookies? No thanks, Santa is healthy (you know he follows the word of wisdom right? 😉), but he does want to keep giving. So we can help him. And when we give we will receive many blessings in return (ie, more new gifts...). I like this.
Also, the first give we will open is going to be a baby Jesus that goes in the nativity. He is the gift. He is why we are so blessed.
We will read the story of Christ's birth. We will drive around to see lights. We will make sugar cookies. We'll listen to Christmas music, decorate the house, and spend time together.
As the years go on, and my kids get older, and we have more practice at this thing called a family, I'm sure we will think of more ways to incorporate the goodness and meaning of Christmas. For now, I hope they understand that most of all, we love one another.